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Everyone quits smoking after Ed Miliband starts

Ed Miliband ruining the colour green for everyone

MILLIONS OF SMOKERS ACROSS THE UK have kicked the habit after a photo of Miliband having a cigarette outside Parliament went viral on Twitter.

“I used to smoke 40 a day,” said ex-smoker Lance Adamson. “But after I saw Ed Miliband greedily inhaling, then coughing in his weird nasal tone, it lost all its appeal. I felt physically sick.”

Desperate claims by tobacco companies that the photo is actually of Ed Miliband’s cooler brother David have been swiftly rejected by anti-smoking campaigners: “This is classic propaganda, Big Tobacco trying to make everyone think that smoking’s only done by cool, healthy, attractive people. But we all know it’s Ed who’s rolling Rizlas under the desk in PMQs with his grubby yellow fingers.”

The so-called ‘Miliband effect’ has also been seen in the collapse of Adele’s record sales after Ed started singing along to ‘Someone Like You’ on Desert Island Discs, as well as in the sudden closure of nightclub Whisky Mist, which was left completely abandoned after Ed was seen crunking on the dancefloor in his tucked-in shirt and tie.

“It’s a problem,” confided one Labour insider. “He’s desperate to like the things that ordinary people like, but as soon as he does, the whole of popular culture undergoes a seismic shift in the opposite direction. I mean, who’d have thought everybody would become opposed to free healthcare just because Ed supported it?”

A photograph of Miliband smoking is set to replace pictures of cancer-ridden lungs on cigarette packets, accompanied by the warning ‘SMOKING WILL MAKE YOU SIMILAR TO ED MILIBAND.’

The list of things currently ruined by Ed Miliband includes bacon sandwiches, feminism, and the Labour party.

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