“Your money matters more to us than you.”

RBS/NatWest apologise for ‘systematic glitch’ of entire company


“Helping you to be unable to make payments from your account.”

The chief executive of the RBS/NatWest group today apologised for continuing ‘computer errors’ that have seen millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money used to cover losses sustained by the bank due to its recklessness with taxpayers’ money.

“Unfortunately it seems that the software we were using inadvertently transferred millions of bailout funds into bank accounts belonging to our executives, despite the fact we’re demonstrably a completely terrible bank,” explained Ross McEwan. “Obviously it’s completely unacceptable, as it is every time it happens. Don’t worry, we’ve got skilled accountants working round the clock to figure out how we can minimise the tax we’ll pay on it while continuing to provide the appalling service customers expect from us.”

The RBS/NatWest group have taken decisive action, including leaving their business model pretty much unchanged. They also announced a new scheme to make it significantly easier for hundreds of thousands of customers to be unable to access their own money, which was trialled yesterday on the busiest online shopping day of the year with widespread success.

“I’d like to reassure all of our customers that they won’t be left out of pocket – the mountains of debt will just get passed down to their children,” explained McEwan. He went on to assure taxpayers that the backlog of fundamental flaws with the banking sector would be processed “as soon as possible i.e. within 10-14 working years”.

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