Tesco to introduce ‘minus one hour’ contracts

TescoThe supermarket giant Tesco won praise today after introducing contracts for less than zero hours, which force employees to pay for the privilege of potentially working. The so-called minus one hour contracts address the flaw in zero hour contracts whereby large businesses might actually have to pay people.

“We are doing our employees a favour by giving them jobs at all in this economic climate, so from now on they have to pay us for the first hour they work for us,” commented a spokesman from Tesco. “Obviously, if we don’t give them any hours they still owe us the cost of having them on our roster. Which is really expensive.”

Traditional contracts have come under fire recently as they encourage an “entitled and arrogant” attitude from full-time employees, who typically expect to be compensated. “We want a fairer situation that takes the responsibility away from struggling corporate behemoths and puts it back on these ‘here today, gone tomorrow’ workers,” continued the spokesman.

“When they’re not at work they should be sitting on the couch waiting for Tesco to call. And paying for the privilege of waiting too.”

A spokesman for the Institute of Directors commented: “People who are against these types of contracts don’t understand that it’s impossible for a business to function in this day and age if it doesn’t actively steal from its employees. We need to be adequately compensated for the burden of recruitment, and people ‘doing their jobs’ just doesn’t cut it anymore.”

George Osborne has welcomed Tesco’s innovative move, saying, “That might just work. Fuck it, we’ve tried everything else. Employment figures up, profits up; what’s not to like?”

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