BREAKING NEWS: Daily Mail not good

mailThe world was left stunned this week after evidence emerged that popular newspaper The Daily Mail is, contrary to available evidence, not a great bastion of progressive thought.

The shocking evidence, which has undone the Mail’s many decades of exemplary reporting on immigration, the economy, politics, women’s rights, gay rights, trans issues, general minority stories and whether or not the Nazis were unambiguously bad, came in the form of a recent article slurring the record of a deceased white person.

“This changes everything,” said alive white person John Whyman (34, white). “No longer will I treat the Mail as the respected liberal voice that it has been up to now. No, this is war. I’m taking those bastards down, they’ll see.” After giving this interview, Whyman posted a series of inflammatory hashtags on twitter and continued his lifelong practice of not purchasing any copies of the newspaper.

“I had always believed that the Daily Mail was good, but this news proves that it is, actually, not good,” said Guardian Editor Alan Rusbridger, adding that when he had first read of the news, he inadvertently spat out a mouthful of coffee and his monocle popped out of his eye to comically spin around in the air.

At the time of press, the Mail continues to have a circulation of more than 1.8 million.

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