7 types of spider eggs you’ve swallowed this year


Check out this handsome fellow! Last night it crawled into your mouth and laid six eggs on the back of your tongue.



marbled_orbweaver_iowa2: MARBLED ORB-WEAVER

Marbled Orb-Weavers are named after the intricate marbled patterns on their abdomina. This one spawned a load of eggs on the lettuce on that Big Mac you had last week.



barn spider3: BARN SPIDER

The same sort of spider found in Charlotte’s web! Remember that bit in the book when Charlotte laid loads of eggs and they flew through the air on tiny wings? Well, that happened this weekend. Except instead of flying merrily through the air, they landed in your mouth and you immediately swallowed them.



Green_Bottle_Blue_Tarantula4: GREENBOTTLE BLUE TARANTULA

Woah! Creepy! This lovely specimen is active, fast-growing and very popular with tarantula hobbyists. Hobbyists such as your girlfriend. Her mouth is infested with eggs and she unleashed a torrent of larval tarantula into your gullet when you kissed her goodnight after your date at the MiniGolf. Sorry mate.



pardosa_agrestis_15925: SPOTTED WOLF SPIDER

What did I tell you about accepting unmarked herbal remedies from mysterious gypsy ladies you met at the fair? Sure, she said they were “mystical beans” to cure your impotence. But you know what they really were, don’t you? Yes, spider eggs. Serves you right.  Homeopathy just doesn’t work.




Remember when you went out the other night, and you got really drunk, and woke up with no memory of what happened? I’m sorry to tell you this, but a Goliath Birdeater spiked your drink, crawled all over your face, and unleashed a slimy torrent of eggs into your belly. It’s been happening a lot in university towns; stay safe and keep your drinks covered, kids.



purse spider-47: PURSE WEB SPIDER

So at this point, roughly 30% of your sustenance has come from spiders eggs. How does that make you feel? Maybe your body’s adapted to a spider-egg-based nutritional regime. But what if the opposite is true? What if the eggs have adapted to your body? What if they’re about to hatch, and you wake up in the middle of the night with dozens, nay, hundreds of hairy arachnids pouring out every orifice in your body? Do you know what it feels like to wake up to an 11 inch Goliath Birdeater sliding out of your rectum? It’s terrible. Just terrible. We pray that doesn’t happen. But we’d pop to the doctor if we were you. Just in case.

Related News

Comments are closed