Mutant apocalypse blamed on policies of last Labour government


12th November, 2420: 

Senior Tory sources have ascribed the recent invasion of gamma-infused tentacled mutant meat-creatures as a direct legacy of the 1997-2010 Labour Government.

The mutants, who emerged from the blasted nuclear wastes of Salford and have eaten or assimilated most of the North, are a “clear continuation of the flawed policy of the last Labour Government [whose] woolly-minded liberalism just set the stage for everyone in Scunthorpe to be eaten by corrupted, pumpkin-headed ghouls,” according to an official press release.

“I have no doubt whatsoever that this is the fault of either Tony Blair or Gordon Brown,” added Xyxl Boba, High Techno-Priest of the Nutrient Mines and Senior Conservative Treasurer. “They said boom or bust was over, and now look. Mutant assimilation figures are booming and the skulls of good, decent British people are being bust open for the delicious, sweet brains that reside therein.”

Other sources have disagreed with the Tories, claiming that the mutants may have had more to do with the fallout of last year’s global nuclear apocalypse and the Conservative’s own controversial policy of “shooting the poor with radiation until they become wealth-creators”. “People who say that this is our fault are just pro-mutant,” said Boba. “The most important thing is that we keep calm and carry on,” he added, jumping into a hovertank and firing tracer bursts into the writhing mass of bulbous, mutated flesh sprinting down the M40.

The Tories also took the opportunity to remind the public that despite being in power uninterrupted for the past 407 years, the ongoing recession can still be traced back to failed Labour policies. “Recovery is around the corner as soon as the lingering effects of Labour tampering with the free market are finally purged from the economy,” said MoneyBot Gosbo the 16th.  “The financial markets are now under 24 hour protection by a crack team of cyborg bears that have been trained to attack at the sight of red tape. Or, for that matter, terrifying swarms of mutants.”

“Can’t we all just get along with the mutants?” asked the cryo-suspended severed head of Nick Clegg, moments before a monstrous fungus-being burst through the wall and chewed him to death.

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