Recently I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints about new, technological ‘incursions’ into people’s private lives. Complaints like “Why are you hiding in my garden at 11pm filming my daughter’s window?” or “Honey, I think there’s someone in the wardrobe!”
Let me just say this: I fail to see how anyone could object to anything they do being monitored by a total stranger unless that thing is a crime. Why, I ask, would you have any reason to oppose my being able to record footage of your ass-crack and post it on the internet unless you’re hiding drugs in it? Why would you object to me or the US border agency possessing your medical records unless you have a nasty case of I’m-a-terrorist-itis? Hmmmm?
Just last Tuesday, my PC brigade neighbour worked up a right fuss when she found me stealing a couple of pairs of used knickers from her laundry basket. But why on earth should she have any objection to my viewing and selling these items on ebay unless they were harbouring a concealed explosive device? Given my suspicions I promptly handed the garments over to the security services, who were utterly delighted with them.
Worse still are the so-called whistleblowers who try and expose my secret 24/7 monitoring. Some months ago a contractor I had hired informed the lady next door about some peep-holes I had him drill in her bedroom wall. She was angry but I quickly explained to her how it was actually the contractor who was betraying her by revealing that she was being spied upon.
I pointed out that it would be impossible to keep her safe from explosives she may be intending to buy and stash in her bra if she knew I was watching. Her confusion spoke volumes about the dangers of the public becoming aware of these vital spying projects. She even went so far as to inform the police! But of course, upon receipt of several pairs of her underwear, they immediately took my side in the matter.
Next week: If you love privacy so much, why don’t you just go live there?