The COBRA committee was today convened to discuss a serious threat to the country’s safety after an anonymous phone call was received warning the public that if the jobless rate wasn’t kept above 7% that the whole country was “rigged to blow”.
“Your economy has been secretly wired so that unemployment is magically linked to interest rates,” the caller warned while breathing heavily and probably smoking a cigarette in a darkened room. “Oh, and don’t even think of trying to artificially keep them low, because you know what the market will say to that…boom!”
“Let’s just hope Carney and Osborne are up to the task,” the caller added enigmatically, before hanging up.
The Bank of England is encouraging citizens who are trapped on the runaway economy to hang in there until help arrives. “Do not try to get off the economy! It’s probably got some sort of feedback loop rigged to GDP. We believe sudden rises in emigration may also trigger the bomb,” said Governor Mark Carney. “Oh no, don’t touch the red metric! Adjust any metric but that one.”
Companies across the country have been shedding jobs all morning in an attempt to bring the runaway employment boom under control. “We were hoping that employment wouldn’t rise until 2016 at the earliest, but as usual the opposite happened,” said a panicked George Osborne. “Does anyone know how to drive an economy?”
Initial reports coming out of the COBRA committee indicate that the government is waiting for some Sandra Bullock type character to take control of the economy, jump it over a half-built motorway and then plough it into the Bank of England before making out with Keanu Reeves.