Fulham FC were declared overall winners of the game of football today, in what pundits have described as an “upset victory”.
“Fulham are hereby declared champions of every football competition we have, forever”, said FIFA President Sepp Blatter at an extraordinary conference on Saturday. “We all knew football couldn’t last forever, and with it ending, we need a winner. That winner is Fulham. FIFA will continue, but we’ll just do corruption full-time. We’ll be fine.”
FIFA officials were seen dumping over 500 trophies from every professional, amateur, international and domestic football competition into a skip outside Craven Cottage.
“I liked football, but it just started from scratch every season. What was the point?” said Regis Hamilton, West Ham fan. “At the end of the day we didn’t win, but we finally have an answer to the question, ‘Who Won The Football?’. It was Fulham. I can finally turn my mind to other things. I’ve ordered a set of sushi knives and I’m hearing great things about decoupage.” Bulldozers have so far destroyed 13 of the 20 Premier League football grounds, with Anfield set to become the UK’s biggest curtain warehouse by 2016.
“Estoy muy shit,” said former Manchester United midfielder Juan Mata, now unemployed.
The FIFA series of video games will continue, but will now focus on the trials of young men searching for purpose in a world where all hope has left them.