Farage: UKIP now ‘serious playahs’


“I like the way you’re voting. No diggity.”

Nigel Farage has credited UKIP’s “major swag” for their success in last night’s local and European elections and noted that the ‘playah haters’ in the liberal media were looking pretty foolish this morning.

In front of a group of visibly thrilled supporters, he said “thanks to last night’s results, it’s safe to assume my boys are going to get some serious tail at the round tables. Ladies love success and confidence, and we’ve got that up to here,” said Farage, as he motioned towards the ceiling of the local church hall in Thurrock where he was speaking.

Women of all ages have gone ‘UKIP crazy’, flocking to local polling stations to catch a glimpse of their favourite councillors, offering up their rosettes in hope of an autograph, and screaming wildly. “Opposites attract. It feels so wrong to like them, and yet so right.” said one voter in Bristol. “Men want to be Farage, women want to be with Farage.”

Newly elected councillors in Southend were seen driving around the town centre in a purple and yellow Fiat Punto, shouting at the women they passed if they wanted “to have their ballot spoiled”, screaming “The UKIP fox is in the Westminster hen house, gonna get ourselves some chicks booooiiii” and howling until they were out of earshot.

Farage closed out his address by quoting his favourite poet, Sean Carter: “I’m a hustla homie, we’re all councillors croney. Foreign dirt on mah shoulder, would you brush it off fo’ me?”

Numerous election after-parties broke out across the nation last night, most of which descended into ‘your neighbour so foreign…’ battles which carried on until the early hours of the morning. UKIP election HQ received numerous noise complaints, mostly from Romanians who had to be up early for work the next day.

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