Pictured: a few festival stories forming in Somerset last weekend

Britain braced for floods of Glastonbury anecdotes

Pictured: a few festival stories forming in Somerset last weekend

Pictured: a few festival stories forming in Somerset last weekend

Homes and offices around the country are readying themselves for an unprecedented amount of meandering stories about last weekend’s Glastonbury festival. Employers are worried about productivity levels and, in some cases, being open for work at all as employees slowly return to their jobs after up to 5 days of hedonistic living on Worthy Farm.

“We’ve tried to prepare as best we can” said Alex Hancock of Printing Solutions in Truro. “We’ve got in ear plugs, duct tape, and a sound proof room for people to escape too but there’s only so much you can do. We’ll eventually just have to suck it up and ride it out while they babble on about how ‘Dolly Parton was so good live’ or they ‘don’t really like Metallica but they blew everyone’s mind’. They’ll get it out of their systems. Eventually.”

The rising level of boring festival stories is a cause for concern for many. “It’s an undeniable fact that the number of festivals in the UK is increasing each year” said Michelle Vicks of Festival Watch UK, a charity set-up to help raise awareness of the plight faced by millions of non-festival-goers around the country. “Just 10 years ago there were only 50 festivals, now there are over 500. It’s insane, and yet it gets passed off by our government as being ‘natural’. If David Cameron had to sit there and listen to the after-effects, he’d soon do something about it”.

Festival Watch UK have issued a 4 point plan to help those who expect to deal with stories about The Other Stage and the Field Of Avalon:

1 – DO NOT ask how your colleague’s weekend was. Wait for them to approach to you and then pretend to have a phone call.

2 – Try your best to avoid humming, singing, or indeed playing any kind of music. This will only provoke festival-goers into action.

3 – Do not engage them about your own festival experiences as they will feel the need to top any story you may tell.

4 – If you do find yourself stuck in an anecdote, tell your friend or colleague “well, I guess you had to be there”. This should help prevent any further interaction.

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