Militants queue around the block for release of AK-48


There were massive queues outside arms dealers right across the Middle East this week as militants rushed to get their hands on the long-awaited AK-48.

One heavily armed insurgent from Iraq explained, “I’m just one of those guys who always has to own the latest thing, you know? Be it an Islamic state in the Levant, a limited edition keffiyeh or the latest semi-automatic: I just have to have it.”

Advantages of the new model include that it is slightly thinner than the previous iteration and is available in a range of colours such as “Jannah Gold” and “Blood of the Infidels Red”.

Website mujahideen-techcrunch.com reviewed the product less favourably, “Everyone always wants an AK because of the brand name and because of the style factor. But for the militant-in-the-know there are better value alternatives like the M16 or the SA-80, which possess a performance and power that greatly exceeds the Kalashnikov and for a lower price. In fact, most of the new features of the AK-48 have been available to M16 users as early as the civil wars in 2012.”

Previous AK models have been criticised for running out of bullets too quickly and for their lack of durability, smashing instantly if dropped from a low height. The latter problem has forced many owners to purchase bulky cases in order to protect the fragile devices. It is still unclear whether the ’48 has truly resolved these issues.

Not everyone sees the value in having the latest kit, one older insurgent told us, “Back when I was fighting the Soviets in Afghanistan we made do with an old Mauser and some plastic explosive. These kids take their fancy weaponry so seriously but mostly it’s just for show; you don’t need any of it for a good Jihad.”

Shareholders in Kalashnikov, most of whom are based in the US and Europe are celebrating bumper profits. One investor told us, “The new AK can help you win whichever war you like. But we all know who wins in the end.” Before diving into a giant pile of money.

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