Paddington film receives 18 certificate for ‘extreme sexual violence’

The new Paddington movie, based on the marmalade loving bear adored by children around the world, has been given an 18 certificate by the BBFC. Containing scenes of bestiality, torture and extreme sexual violence, the family film is still tipped to top the box office this winter.

Sandy Cooke, head of the BBFC, defended her decision today. “We at the BBFC question whether it’s artistically necessary to have Paddington smoking pot and engaging in a racist rant with pub dwellers. While we accept that the scene in which Paddington covers himself in marmalade then cries himself to orgasm with a prostitute is a gritty depiction of the modern era, it really should not been seen by little ones.”

“After a while, I couldn’t tell where the marmalade ended and the bear semen began,” commented Karen Hodgens, who won a competition to see the pre-screening.

“And neither could my 4-year-old niece,” she added. “You should never have to explain to a child why a bear is snorting cocaine out of a hooker’s anus. Even the ‘Cool Auntie’ has to draw the line somewhere.”

Many reviewers have, however, praised the film’s unflinching realism. “For too long we’ve been waiting for an American Psycho-esque massacre to appear in a family film,” noted James Cadman. “The scene with the butcher’s hook and Mittens the cat physically made me sick and I loved it. Sure, the cinematography and soundtrack are stunning but when they are used to highlight the murderous rampage of a Peruvian bear it takes it to a whole new level.”

Though the film has yet to be released to the public, it has already caused controversy amongst Paddington enthusiasts. “He’s a computerized monster!” commented Hugh Gleeson, founder of KPSMA (Keep Paddington a Stop Motion Animation). “This is just another example of the film industry refusing to stick to the true values of the original stories. When will people learn that computer pixels will never capture the charm of stop motion animation?”

Director Paul King was unavailable for comment as he is already working on the sequel, rumoured to be titled Paddington 2: Marmalade Abortions.

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