Artisan bank selling craft mortgages


Homogeneous furniture, the scourge of modern banking

A local bank has begun offering a ‘carefully curated’ selection of artisan loans and craft mortgages.

“We’ve got no ‘financial model’ or ‘business plan’ or any of that other corporate bullshit.” commented Tom Brookes, owner of the bank. “With us, it’s just your money, in a big pile, in the back of the shop.  No interest, no ISA’s, no benefits, just capital in it’s purest form – as nature intended.”

“All our cash is ethically sourced from people who think global capitalism is ‘not the way forward’ and want to make a difference by supporting our progressive vision of ‘free-range capital’. It’s probably better for the environment as well”, stated Brookes with a vacant but well meaning smile.

“We’re not like those fat cats in London” Brookes continued, writing the latest FTSE 100 stock prices in chalk on a blackboard taking up an entire wall “We didn’t go to business school; I didn’t even pass GCSE Maths. What’s compound interest? I have literally no idea.”

“How do we keep track of accounts? Check out this baby” he said, pulling out an abacus. “Every customer gets one. Its the future, but from 2000 years ago.” Brookes then dropped the abacus, which smashed into pieces and covered the floor in beads. “I’m going to close that account” he commented.

One customer was not impressed “I just came in here to get a loan, and they’ve got 65 different types, which are all basically identical” he commented.“ ‘Fisherman’s promise’, ‘The Borrower’s Floorboard’ – what the hell kind of name for a loan is that?!”

“At least they’re 10% though, not like that 3% rubbish you’d get at HSBC”  he added. “Wait, crap!”

At the time of going to press, the bank was facing severe financial difficulties. “Here, you’re not just a number in some system” commented Brookes, picking up abacus beads off the floor. “Oh God, why didn’t we put any numbers in the system ? We’re ruined!”

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