The ruling National Executive Committee of the Labour Party has ruled that no person named Wayne or Sharon will be allowed to join the party from this moment on, and that those who have done so in the last 6 months will not be able to take part in the upcoming leadership election. The measures – which NEC members insist are not intended to stifle the participation of poorer people and supporters of the party’s left-wing leader, Jeremy Corbyn – will disenfranchise some 130,000 Labour members and registered supporters.
“There are perfectly good, honest reasons why it was necessary to stop anyone with those names, or who wears a hoodie, or who eats at McDonald’s, or who takes sugar in their tea, from taking part in this election,” insisted the rebel Labour MP Tristram Hunt, defending the verdict in a statement today. “Fundamentally, these aren’t the people Labour is meant to represent.”
Further regulations may be put in place in the coming days, with sources reporting it is probable that all people seeking to join the party’s affiliated trade unions will be required to correctly pronounce a range of words beginning in “aitch” sounds before the newly formed Board of Phonetic Commissars, and to spontaneously give directions to their nearest branch of Waitrose. The ballot paper in the leadership election is also set to be altered in several ways, with the question “Who receives your first preference for the position of Labour leader?” being replaced with a long and rambling paragraph which will include several Latin and French phrases and will be generally incomprehensible to anyone not closely acquainted with key classical composers and modern artists.